never trust a person who doesn’t drink coffee!

let’s get one thing straight: coffee isn’t just a beverage; it’s a lifestyle, a code of conduct, a sacred ritual that separates the highly-functioning from the just-trying-to-survive. so when someone says, “nah, I don’t drink coffee,” it’s like they’ve just revealed they have a secret lair filled with suspiciously large amounts of cat posters. in other words, you can’t trust them!!!

think about it. coffee drinkers understand the daily grind—literally and figuratively. we know the importance of that first sip in the morning, the one that breathes life into our souls and keeps us from becoming an extra in the next zombie apocalypse movie. coffee is the glue that holds us together, the magic potion that transforms us from cranky gremlins into somewhat tolerable human beings. so, when someone says they don’t partake in this universal experience, you’ve got to ask yourself: what else are they hiding?

“i wouldn’t trust someone who doesn’t drink coffee to find their way out of a paper bag, let alone navigate the perils of daily life.” – joe capp

the red flags of a coffee abstainer

1. they’re too alert in the morning. ever notice how non-coffee drinkers seem unnaturally perky before 9 am? it’s not natural, and it’s definitely not okay. without the warm embrace of caffeine, how do they even function? it’s like they’re running on some sort of alien fuel source—one that’s probably illegal on earth.

2. they only drink herbal tea. now, don’t get us wrong—we love a good herbal tea as much as the next person (and we sell some pretty fantastic blends). but if someone’s entire beverage identity is wrapped up in herbal tea without ever dabbling in the dark, rich world of coffee, that’s a little… suspicious. it’s like enjoying the opening act but skipping the main event—who does that?

3. they don’t get coffee humor. nothing bonds people like a good coffee joke. if they can’t chuckle at a “death before decaf” mug, they might as well be living on another planet—a planet where laughter is banned and all drinks are served lukewarm.

trust the coffee drinkers

coffee drinkers are dependable. we show up. we grind, we brew, we pour, and we conquer the day. we’re the people you want in your corner—someone who knows the struggle of morning meetings, the pain of deadlines, and the pure joy of that first glorious sip. so the next time you meet someone who doesn’t drink coffee, just remember: they might be nice, they might even be charming, but can you really trust someone who doesn’t need caffeine to survive? that’s a risk we’re not willing to take.

btw…we’re more than just a caffeinated cult. at kettle coffee, we don’t just source and roast ridiculously good coffee; we’re also here to make your day a little brighter. whether it’s with a chuckle from our humor-infused product pics, a meme on our community message board, or a laugh-inducing blog that’s sure to start your wednesday off right, we’re committed to helping you navigate the chaos of daily life—with a smile and a seriously great cup of coffee. we even throw in product giveaway contests because, let’s be real, free stuff is awesome.